Log in

No account? Create an account
Life of a Bear
From deep within the flow of time...
Recent Entries 
28th-Sep-2009 05:15 am - Nothing in particular
Friday I actually went out for a change. Went to go see Jason and Karen and met up at the Robin hood for Hot Knees and got to see Glenna, Bri and Serene as well. It's been a while since I socialized with people that I don't live with, see at class, or through the internets. I didn't really do hot knees type things because I tend to not enjoy myself when doing so. I tried at one point but social anxiety tends to hinder that and if Carl, Scott, or Dan weren't there I tend to just go to the bar and drink and get depressed and I tend to stray from things that make me depressed. Anyways it was nice to hang out with people for a change. Kind of sucked though, got home and ended up being really depressed and it was one of those being depressed for no particular reason but I feel shitty anyways. I don't know if it was just the fact that I drank a bit, the fact that I'm annoyed at my social ineptitude, or what, but yeah I got home and bam, shitty mood.

Also, I have tests and projects to do and I'm leaving them to do at the very last minute of course. I'm not annoyed or depressed about leaving my work to the last minute, I'm just kind of dreading later when I get super super tired and want to be an hero.

Still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and trying to move away from a lot of the bad habits I've been getting myself into lately and trying to move onto fixing some of my major flaws that hinder my life.

Even though I'm thinking of a lot of negative things lately, the rain outside is very soothing to listen to.
Even though this median looks dead for the most part, at least for the case of most people that I actually know. Since most of my LJ friends post anymore come from non-IRL friends. Anyways! I haven't posted here in a while and I have some things to actually talk about.

This summer was a much needed break from a lot of things. I needed to reassess my life and get things back on track. Last semester was one of my worst since I was kicked out back in 03. Basically I did terrible, ended up withdrawing from a lot of classes and failing one even though the teacher said otherwise. Moving on from that, I attempted to get a job over the summer but failed and instead helped my Mom do various tasks around the house that she needed to get done which the last being staining the back deck which was just finished so we finished just about everything that she wanted this summer. Other then that, I just relaxed playing video games and hanging out with friends that I haven't seen in a while, some visiting from various parts of the world.  All in all it was a great summer and just what I needed.

Inglorious bastards was awesome, saw it with Kyle on our awesome MAN DATE, then I came back to realizing I need to do a stupid amount of work on my room since I apparently figured I would know exactly where I put every asinine object that I would need for when I came back this month. Specifically, where I put the screws for my desk on top of the object to actually put in the screws to build the desk. That, and no one is at the place right now and we have wireless but I don't know the password and my room is forever away from the router and I don't have a cord that long. So pretty much I plan on spending most of the day in the library today. Since not having internet sucks even if it means that I go to bed at 11 like I did last night.

So I actually might change my major. Last week when I was working with my mom she asked me about classes and what not and kind of mentioned that I should maybe think of something other then CS for a major. Which after thinking it over I might consider. I kind of didn't realize how much work actually went into this major and how hard it would be. This added to the fact that I still need a shit ton more classes in CS before I can graduate and the fact that I can't cram my schedule absolutely sucks, I learned that last semester. I was thinking of cramming my CS classes into 12-15 credit hours of just CS classes so I could graduate in 3 semesters worth. But that's not even doable since CS classes require way more time and effort then other classes. The teachers pretty much say that for most classes they say you need to study for about 2 hours for every hour your in class, but CS is more like 4 hours for every hour of class. All in all, i'm sick of hating my life and not having a life when i'm at school. It's making me a miserable human being and never being able to do anything. But, having any computer science knowledge is better then nothing, so what I thought about doing is switching over to a CS minor and a psych major. I probably go and talk to a counseler when I get the chance to and make sure I'm not throwing away anything. But in doing so I'd be able to graduate probably as soon as next spring. Also, I looked at the major requirements of both psych and CS and I don't know how it is for other majors, but the total credit hours of just psych classes was about 34-36 whereas CS was closer to 70+ so that is a huge fucking difference. So I think it's a good decision and I think I'll figure out if I want to go with it this semester since I basically meet the requirements for a psych major and CS minor at this point and I like the fact of seeing an end to this road rather then graduating on ?? We'll see though, I'm taking a decent CS load as well as some psych classes, I plan on figuring out what I want to do this semester but I'm pretty sure that doing a CS major would probably make me want to kill myself at this rate.
16th-Jul-2009 03:19 pm - OMG i tooksded it too!

Steady, reliable, and cradling her tenderly. Take a deep breath, and let it out real easy...you are The Slow Dancer

Your focus is love, not sex, and for your age, you have average experience. But you’re a great, thoughtful guy, and your love life improves every year. There’s also a powerful elimination process working in your favor: most Playboy types get stuck raising unwanted kids before you even begin settling down. The women left over will be hot and yours. Your ideal woman is someone intimate, intelligent, and very supportive.

While you’re not exactly the life of the party, you do thrive in small groups of smart people. Your circle of friends is extra tight and it’s HIGHLY likely they’re just like you. You appreciate symmetry in relationships.


Hey, even though I've sucked at relationships so far, this seemed pretty accurate, GG.
This summer has been great so far.

I went back home to find a job for the summer while I work in the meantime for my mom doing manual labor while I don't have anything set yet. Well, I had no luck with a job, I searched extensively and didn't hear from anyone. Then I heard from Teddy that I might be able to work for the restaurant since everyone fails and they had an opening, which also fell through. So I've just been doing manual labor in the mean time, which is rough but it's exercise and it pays good. Another possibility I have open is doing lawn care for a guy who is according to some people difficult to work with (including his family) but other people say the opposite? So I MIGHT go and do that.

Thus, with doing nothing but work and wow, I haven't done much besides the occasional socializing with people ie: Geneva. But the near future sounds like win. Tomorrow Carl is coming over so I have a buddy to work with, then we're going to hang out all night, Sunday I have a man-date with kyle, we're going to ruin G-Town with awesome! and possible Chris birthday that I just found out about? Hmmm???? then Jason sent me a message today asking me when my birthday was and he's going to throw me a birthday party which will be win, though I wouldn't mind extending it for a joint Joe birthday + Welcome back party. Either way, win win win!

So yeah, so far summer has been fantastic to me and I really needed it after the semester I had. I bitched about that enough, but I got a letter in the mail saying I had a semester warning. So that's pretty much how shitty I did and that was after I dropped 2 classes. On the way back from dropping money off at Kent, I stopped by Best buy to induldge myself and buy a new moniter, mouse and fear 2. This felt good since I hadn't bought anything for me that I didn't absolutely need in such a fucking long time.

Anyways, other then me indulging myself with goodies, the negative parts about today were late at night my mom came upstairs and was like, I'm taking Tony to the emergency room, kbye! Apparently it was problems with his stomach and not really sure how serious it is? But it didn't sound too bad from what my mom was saying, but who knows, I'll find out more tomorrow.

That, and today I thought way too fucking much about how I have such a problem forgiving myself for my fucks ups... First depressing thing I've really thought about in a while, the omega-3 has been working wonderfully since I've been taking it last summer though, so I don't really mind random spurts here and there.

But yeah, other then those two things a very positive summer so far and hoping it stays that way so I'm ready for class again in the fall.

If you felt you've been neglected by me, yell at me and hopefully I'll see you all again soon!

- K-ton out
9th-Apr-2009 02:19 pm - wellllwelllwelllllll
How about a WAAAH-burger, with some french CRIES
Hello there people who do / do not read this! I'm going to explain where my life is at the moment.


Basically, I've had an incredibly fail semester and I have kept my whining to a minimum. Pretty much, there are a lot of aspects in my life I'm not really happy with. The main being how this semester turned out. I figured with my great success at 15 credit hours last semester that I could get 15 credit hours again this semester. NO! bad idea! I kind of underestimated two factors, last semester was not all CS classes (it was only one) and due to the fact that I haven't really had a real break in a long time, I've just had constant classes, and really hard ones including last summer where I was the most depressed I've ever been in my life. So yeah, the whole not having a break thing has lead to me being completely unmotivated in doing work and anything marginally hard. I've been incredibly overworked and had to drop two classes and two of the classes I'm still taking I'm doing bad in, one I'm doing really shitty and if I can magically pull off a C I'll be happy, D would be acceptable, but I'm hoping for at least a D thats how shitty I'm doing. This isn't even a playing too much wow factor, I will go out of my way to not play wow, but I will procrastinate forever doing other random bullshit, so it's a focusing issue. Another annoyance I have, is financial aid, it's bad enough I have to worry about all this bullshit with all my hard classes, but added to that I have to make sure I not only do good in classes but I can't withdraw from shit, it's increasingly frustrating. WTB non shitty method for student loans.

However, dropping those classes was what I needed. I was starting to get increasingly depressed, stressed out, and getting into bad habits all around. With that off my chest I can at least focus on my 3 remaining classes and hopefully do decent in them.

So with my slowly renewed faith in everything, I'm hoping on making up for my absence of a non-wow social life over the summer. I'm planning on getting a job rather then taking classes, to get a break from everything, so managing a social life will be easier.

I'm becoming a less miserable human being steadily and slowly working on fixing my huge fuck ups created by this semester. Anyways, hopefully I'll see some of you big pals in the near future, and if I have already, moreso then before. Kay-O, catch you guys later!
16th-Mar-2009 08:08 pm - Awesome with a side of not awesome
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=53856818 amazing!

I haven't posted in a while. Still am kind of miserable, with a shit ton of work, but less miserable then last week. Due to dropping one of my classes that I completely fucked up. So now that I have less work to do it instead makes me feel more like a failure, since I fucked up so much this semester. HOORAY FOR ME!
5th-Mar-2009 01:09 pm - Fuck you day
WTB time machine, where I'm already graduate, so I can just get on with my transition into doing some trivial task repeatedly and getting paid.


Ok, so I didn't exactly sleep last night. Also, the plan today was to skip one of my classes to catch up on my 3 projects (2 of which are already really late, 3rd is due monday), work on my 5 page essay, study for my test on tuesday, catch up on all of my classes since I'm behind in general, and nap, since I don't sleep much anymore. So yeah, the class I was planning on skipping, I apparently have a quiz in there, that I'm not ready for, at all. GOOD ONE WORLD, YOU GOT ME! Sadly what your forgetting, is the gasoline and matches, that would be a good punchline right there!

I just kind of need a break, I mean, this heavy work load I have right now, is only 12 credit hours. I tried 15 but I had to drop one before I lost what little sanity that remained. I'm just getting burnt out and I'm at a point right now, where I have so much work that I don't even know where to begin. So I usually just play snes roms.

Oh man, graduating will be the best day of my life, because I can give a big middle finger to this paying to work my ass off with lack of eating and lack of sleep!

Oh yeah other things that are bothering still haven't gone away, they just kind of stay up there with this massive amount of bullshit. Constant state of stress at all times ever? yes sir!
4th-Mar-2009 05:11 pm - Thoughts on watchmen
I saw watchmen last night, and it was fantastic. It was almost identical to the graphic novel in nearly everyway. Here's some spoiler free things they changed, they would just fight a bunch of dudes, they condensed some things (necessary since it's still 160 or so minutes long, black freighter wasn't in it, but will be in the dvd, and they changed the ending just to make it a little bit more realistic, the END ending is still the same though. Overall though, it was awesome and they captured everything with the graphic novel very well, people who read it and don't like it, are just tarded fanboys who can't get over themselves. Last thing, Rorscach was probably the biggest suprise to me, since I saw who played him and was like : |, but they did the character so fucking well. I wanted to be him for halloween after the graphic novel, but I now know that every fucking ass clown will be him for halloween, just like how every fucking ass clown was joker last halloween.
I've been kind of a ghost as of late. So I'll try to sum up everything.

Let's see, my semester ended up fucking awesome. First time I stuck with 15 credit hours and I did the best out of any other semester, also finally passing CS2 with a B, which had a lot to do with the teacher not being hard as fuck this time around.

Winter break I did nothing except play video games, drink beer, see long lost friends, eat cookies, and most importantly just relaxed. I was kind of in classes for a year straight with very little break.

New Year's consisted of me going to Dayton, having an ok time since I didn't get too drunk and I was around too many people I didn't really know or care to see. I definitely had more fun AFTER new year's when it was less of a ridiculous party and more just hanging out with people that I know.

Then I came back to Kent and got to see pretty much everyone again for 2 days in a row, and THAT was a pretty wonderful time.

Other then that, I've just been getting back into the class groove and I'm taking 15 credit hours again, all CS classes. So hopefully I'll be able to stick with it again and win at school a 2nd time in a row.

To sum up 2008, it sucked. I can't really remember too many positive things about it. I just remember it being way too much work, a lot of stress, and a lot of personal discovery that I don't know if I was ready to deal with. Having one of the most depressed times in my life, forcing me to finally deal with it, as well discovering possible social psychological problems on top of that. It's been a kind of necessary, but draining year in self discovery. Although it's all kind of frustrating to know I have all these problems now, at least I can put labels on them, rather then just thinking I make no sense and that I'm just a crazy person. I just have lot's of issues.

I'm hoping now that I have answers, I can move on from there and maybe deal with it in the near future and here's to 2009 not being dumb!
This page was loaded Apr 20th 2018, 6:31 pm GMT.